Sweet Dreams

“Sweet dreams.”
Why is it that most males find it impossible to be ‘just’ friends?
I’m so much more comfortable with guys as friends, but it seems that they can’t be as comfortable with me as a friend.
It’s not that I think I’m that pretty, or nice, or deserving, or that guys should WANT me at all. I don’t! I think very little of myself.
But it feels like I can’t joke or talk or play or just be close to men without watching them stare at me hungrily or confess how much they want me or get me alone and try to touch me or tell me I’m gorgeous and prodding me for pictures of myself or…. anything. I just want a friend. Can’t anyone see that?
I admit I don’t run from it. I don’t push them away when it happens. Do you know why?
Because I know, as soon as I do, they will leave, and I will feel responsible for hurt feelings and a lost attempt at a friendship.
But if I don’t, I have to struggle with my guilt over ‘leading them on’ and ‘hiding things from my boyfriend’. Because I’d never do anything to try to hurt him, just as I’d never try to hurt anyone else, but it’s hard to be so codependent. It’s hard to try to choose who should be appeased, who should be happy.
And then I end up in situations like with a guy a couple months ago, where he’s telling me how much he wants to kiss me, and he sounds so sweet, so harmless, and I don’t want to lose my ‘friend’, and I don’t want to hurt him, so what? I let myself be pulled down, pulled in, and then he wants more more more, until he’s wanting my everything, and then I pull my head up for air and realize what a fool I am.
So I patch things up, and tell him I love him as a friend, and he says it’s ok, but you know what? It’s not. It’s not ok to me, and it’s not ok to him. I can tell it’s different now. But what can be done? He will hurt, but I’m looking out for Me this time.
But even though that’s fixed, it’ll happen again. And again and again.
And all I’ll be able to think is, “Wow, what a nice guy. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a close friend like him?” and “I don’t want to hurt him.”
But that’s what friends are for, isn’t it? To hurt you?


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